The Parasocial Paradox

The media culture of the ‘90s and ‘00s has a lot to atone for. Think Britney and the paparazzi, or endless speculation around which celeb was pregnant every time some poor woman gained an extra pound or two. Celeb media had few to no guardrails, and a life in the public eye carried shades of a Faustian bargain.

While today the media circus spirals on (albeit with fewer shots of celebs getting out of cars sans underwear 😬), there’s also a newer tug-of-war happening between access and privacy on social media. 

This question recently crystallized in the public consciousness in the form of an open letter from Pink Pony Club-singing superstar Chappell Roan. In a post on Instagram, she wrote:

“I need to draw lines and set boundaries. I want to be an artist for a very very long time. I’ve been in too many nonconsensual physical and social interactions and I just need to lay it out and remind you, women don’t owe you shit. I chose this career path because I love music and art and honoring my inner child, I do not accept harassment of any kind because I chose this path, nor do I deserve it.”

Sure, not every creator is Chappell Roan. She’s discussing the downsides of a stratospheric level of fame. However, Roan’s commentary on the breach of the public into the personal is something worth paying attention to, even for the less earth-shatteringly famous among us.

How did we get here?

Let’s briefly look back on the early days of instagram. Your aging millennial author was there, 3000 years or so ago, back when we ALL chose from 12 preset filters like “X-Pro II” and “Nashville.” 

Way back then, Instagram told us to “sign up to see photos and videos from your friends.” And it still is that. But wow, it has also evolved into something much more complex than a feed full of pictures of your friends on vacation.

The birth of the influencer, creator, and brand promoter changed how we interact with our feeds. It’s not just your friends anymore. It’s celebs. And brands. And niche memes. For a lot of those groups, the personal IS the professional. Authenticity is simultaneously real and manufactured, innate and yet marketable. 

I mean, to be fair, there are MANY flies — in a recent issue of Chronically Online Magazine, we asked a bunch of creators about what they struggle with. A majority (57.14%) of respondents reported feeling that their personal and private lives were bleeding together. 

Shattering the illusion: Authenticity is unstable currency 

The Cleveland Clinic defines parasocial relationships as “one-sided relationships or bonds with people you don’t know.” The parasocial dynamic has become the wheel upon which Instagram turns. 

After all, creators on Instagram have become ideal partners for businesses to expand their markets. In a recent issue of The International Journal of Research into New Media Technologies, researchers note that “while businesses see influencers as ideal partners to bridge the gap with consumers, users see influencers as relatable or inspirational individuals.”

For example, Sophia Thiel, a German fitness influencer, has used her platform to discuss how maintaining her public persona is often an exhausting enterprise. Thiel left social media for two years to deal with burnout and other mental health issues. Thiel said that she felt that the persona she became famous for no longer reflected who she was as a person. She noted that she even faced public shaming when her audience felt she was out of line with the expectations for her image.

A lesson in healthy boundaries

It’s not all doom and gloom when it comes to life on the Gram, however. 

I confess, I’m hovering at 1000 followers and have for years. So while I think my years of therapy (thanks mom and dad!)* do give me a little insight into mental health management, I figured I’d also ask a social media expert about how she approaches health, safety, and boundaries when it comes to life in the public eye. Gotta validate my hypotheses somehow, right?

*This is a cheap joke for internet laughs. My parents are lovely people! They did a good job! Pinky promise!

You can find her at @maevestyled. I slid into Maeve’s Insta DMs and asked her some questions about boundaries, safety, and how she interacts with her followers.

I was curious about how Maeve decides which parts of her life to show, and which parts she purposefully keeps private. “The bottom line here is that I've made the decision to share parts of my life online,” Maeve says, “but I will never make that decision for those around me. My husband is a great example of this. Since I focus mainly on fashion, it never made sense for me to post about my husband or our relationship, even though it's obviously a huge part of my life.”

Does that choice confuse her followers? Sometimes. But Maeve is very open with those who ask. “As far as boundaries like this balancing with my need to be authentic, I think what has worked for me is just being honest when I talk about these things. If someone asks why I don't post my husband's face or name, I'll tell them it's because he's a private person.” 

Maeve sometimes runs into her followers while out walking her dog on the streets of central Boston. I asked how she handles interacting with strangers who know her from her Instagram.

“I think one odd thing about these interactions is that this person already knows a lot about my life (what I've been up to recently, my dog's name, etc) and I know nothing about them, so I'll make an effort to ask them questions… Overall, it usually makes my day to have someone stop me and say hello, so I do encourage it for now.”

Maeve also has rules around how she interacts with people in her DMs, and how she manages  expectations around those interactions. She’s very active, and responds to as many people as she’s able to. Still, sometimes people in her DMs want more access than Maeve is willing to give. 

For example, she says, “I do get the occasional message from someone I've never met asking if I'd like to get coffee or meet up, which can be hard to navigate. I've found that if I respond to those types of messages by politely saying that my schedule is quite busy (not a lie!) but thank you for the offer and mention that I'm so grateful to connect with fellow Bostonians on Instagram, that usually does the trick.”

Safety on socials

Maeve posts a lot of pictures of her gorgeous apartment, and often gets (largely innocent) questions about where in Boston she lives. She’s direct: She tells her followers that she won’t share that information for her own safety. “It feels authentic to approach it from this way and still maintain a level of privacy.”

What about the, you know, creeps? Maeve gives no quarter.

“One rule I have set for my well-being is what I call a "one strike" rule. If I get one DM or comment from anyone that makes me feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or bad in any way, I will immediately block that account. It might sound harsh, but it helps me to protect my peace and set a clear boundary.”

Breaking the paradox

There’s a unifying line between Chappell Roan, Sophia Thiel, and my friend Maeve: Their approach to dealing with the pressures of public life centers around honesty and transparency — while acknowledging its difficulties. 

The acknowledgment also comes with a reminder: The people you follow online are people. Often, they’re people you don’t know. To reiterate Chappell Roan’s appeal: “Please do not assume you know a lot about someone’s life, personality, and boundaries because you are familiar with them or their work online.”